


The Resolute Protector

by Max_Delphinus_Bowie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Crushes, Crying, Dating, Deviates From Canon, Drugs, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hufflepuff/Slytherin Inter-House Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Imprinting, M/M, Nightmares, OC has major dissociation, OC is Hufflepuff, OC is animagus, OC is gay, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:01:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29814345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Max_Delphinus_Bowie/pseuds/Max_Delphinus_Bowie
Summary: Jamie begins his third year at Hogwarts but is still recovering from the loss of his best friend. Sirius Black escaped Azkaban and is seeking refuge at Hogwarts with Professor Lupin as Padfoot. This story is what happens after Sirius imprints on Jamie. (In a non weird way). And how their lives change because of it.(This fanfic is going to be really long and a slow slow slow burn with a lot of OC's, so if you're not into that, keep scrolling. And this is the first fanfic I've actually written so please leave comments)
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Original Character(s), Original Male Character/Original Male Character, Remus Lupin & Original Male Character(s), Severus Snape & Original Character(s), Sirius Black & Original Male Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 2





	1. Going Back

After his second year, Jamie never would have thought he’d still be alive, or come back to Hogwarts for that matter. But he made it. Of course there was still that same nagging voice in the back of his head that constantly reminded him “ _ Your fault. your fault. your fault.”  _ He had gotten used to it, accepted it, and nothing was going to change that, it was in fact, his fault. 

Jamie sat alone in the train compartment looking over his schedule, awaiting his third year at the school he once thought he’d love. He fiddled with the bracelet that clung to his underfed wrist. A flash of Martin’s face appeared before his eyes before he blinked a tear away and put his headphones on to block out the train sounds and the pouring rain. Jamie had already changed into his Hufflepuff robes, which he once wore with pride, and sat back knowing it was going to be a long, boring ride, alone with his thoughts. He remembered when he first arrived at Hogwarts. 

_ “BUGSFORD, JAMIE!” The sorting hat called.  _

_ Jamie stood frozen in the midst of a crowd of students, before he felt a push from a fellow classmate, and suddenly was standing in front of the whole school of Hogwarts. He looked up at Professor McGonagall who indicated for Jamie to sit down on the stool that was positioned in front of the head table, looking over the four house tables. He did, and felt a tingly sensation as the sorting hat was placed on his head.  _

_ Jamie loathed the idea of a magical hat going through his head, but knew it was necessary.  _

_ “Hmm. Curious. Very Clever, clever indeed.” _

_ He felt his cheeks heat up as he looked up at the hat.  _

_ “Also loyal, and very ambitious, with a kind heart. But what house to put you in Mr. Bugsford? You don’t seem to have a preference.” _

_ Jamie looked at all four house tables once again in front of him. His parents had both been in Slytherin, and his father had warned him that he would bring shame to the family name if he wasn’t. The last time Jamie had seen his father, he had given Jamie a silver ring with a snake embroidered on it to remind Jamie of, “who he really was,” as his Father would say. His mother on the other hand, just wanted Jamie to be happy, and Jamie would be happy in any house. _

_ Jamie spoke up. “I d-don’t care what house I’m in.” He turned to face all his professors and spoke again before turning back around.  _

_ “I’m just glad to finally be here.”  _

_ Out of the corner of his eye he saw a professor with Black long hair and a crooked nose roll his eyes in disgust. Jamie, now embarrassed, looked down at his hands, which were clammy and damp with sweat. _

_ “Kind sole, positive outlook and very loyal. Yes, I know, “HUFFLEPUFF!” The crowd clapped as Jamie made his way to the Hufflepuff table.  _

“Positive outlook.” The hat once stated. Jamie rolled his eyes at the irony that fell before him. His once positive demeanor was gone and the only tangible feeling that remained was… nothing. Numbness. Jamie felt numb as he looked down to see his bare finger that no longer held that stupid ring which was probably six feet underground and destined to stay there for all of eternity. Which was fine by him.

The train was nearing Hogwarts when Jamie felt a shiver as the rain fell harder and faster outside. And the hairs on his neck stood up and the air suddenly turned cold. Fog began to rise, completely blocking the view from the window, and devouring the train in a mist so cold it brought goosebumps to Jamie. The train halted and slowed, finally stopping. The lanterns went out, enveloping Jamie in almost complete darkness. He removed his headphones, moving his black hair from his eyes to peer out of the window. He saw nothing, but heard lots of movement and panic from outside the compartment. He assumed people were moving about to try and figure out what was happening. 

Jamie was still trying to look out beneath the fog when he heard a click from the compartment door, and when he turned around he was horrified with what he saw. A corspelike creature floating under what appeared to be a silk hood emerged and pinned Jamie up against the window glaring into his soul. Jamie was frozen solid with fear, his heart speeding and his eyes glaring open wide with terror, as the creature extended his long bony fingers towards him and sucked a big breath before Jamie’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he suddenly heard a very familiar and disturbing laugh. 

_ The first kick from James King surprised Jamie the most, knocking the wind out of him and leaving him gasping out. But after he felt the second, and then the third, and then the fourth, the dreading of the next one ceased and all he could do was clutch his lifeless body, waiting for it to be over. The pool of blood slowly flooded the ground, and Jamie’s eyes drooped close. He couldn’t feel the pain anymore. But he felt cold. Cold and bare. _

_ He didn’t know how long it had been before he felt the warm fabric wrap around his frail body. How long had it been? Minutes? Hours? Days? He floated upwards, someone was carrying him in that soft soft fabric. It was an angel, Jamie was sure of it. An angel leading him to a place of peace and security. Freedom, and safety. The feeling of the cold floor deprived Jamie of warmth, and the absence of it ensured it. The change was sudden, and he fought it at first. He was so tired. He just wanted to rest. “Leave me.” he pleaded, but no matter.  _

_ “Shh you’re going to be okay. Just stay awake.” He heard.  _

_ J _ _ amie whimpered. He felt so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep. To rest, and of course, he wouldn’t be able to. The darkness began to consume him once more, and Jamie was perfectly fine with that.  _


	2. Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the last chap Jamie gets attacked by a dementor. Remus and Padfoot save the day in this one

“There shouldn’t be dementors this close to the students.” 

“I’ll speak to Dumbledore as soon as we get there but until then all we can do is stay alert and protect the students. I’ll have a word with the driver as soon as the boy wakes up.”

Jamie was starting to come back to reality when he heard two men talking near him. Where was he? What happened? He slowly opened his eyes, everything was blurry except for the outline of a man, and something he couldn’t make out. Jamie sprang up with fear. He was sitting on the floor of the compartment, clenching onto himself. Closing his eyes again, he tried to remember how to breathe, but he couldn’t focus on anything so he just huffed in and out as fast as he could. 

“It’s alright now. Breathe.” The man said

Jamie squinted his eyes as far closed as he could when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Startled, he jerked away and crawled backwards until he hit the wall. He wiped his nose and forehead expecting the blood he once felt so clearly but all he felt was a cold sweat. 

“It’s alright. You’re safe. It’s gone. You’re safe.” 

Jamie’s breath steadied. He slowly opened one eye, followed along by the other. When his eyes finally focused he saw a rugged man with faded scars all across his face, and wearing an old tattered suit. Although he looked rather young, his brown hair had hints of grey streaks upon it. 

The next thing Jamie noticed was a massive dog next to the man. Dog? Wolf? No, bear. Jamie wasn’t sure. It was black with shaggy long hair and yellow eyes. Jamie’s own eyes went wide as he suddenly realized that the dog closely resembled someone. Himself. Well, himself in animagus form except bigger. A lot bigger. The massive dog towered above him as Jamie was still backed up on the floor. 

Jamie had spent years trying to become an animagus while his parents were travelling with a special branch in the ministry building political platforms regarding muggle consumption of wizarding resources. He had always admired animagi and thought frolicking through the woods as an animal might provide an activity to help Jamie calm down when he got overwhelmed, which was most of the time.

As Jamie locked eyes with the most beautiful yellow eyes he had ever seen Jamie felt this sudden pull to go over to the big dog. He felt drawn in a way he never felt to any other person or thing. Connected and protected. Whole. He was quickly snapped out of his trance when the man spoke again. 

“What’s your name?” the man asked.

Jame just blinked and looked between the man and the dog. Jamie was shy before, but after his second year, more specifically, after Martin, he just gave up on talking all together. His stutter had worsened, and he feared people would chastise him about it. 

“I’m Professor Lupin, I’m the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher. This is Padfoot, my dog.” 

He pointed to the dog.

_ Dog. Jamie thought. Not wolf. Not bear.  _

“You can call him Pads. Don’t be afraid he’s very friendly. Is this your first year?”

It wasn’t unlikely for Jamie to hear people mistake him for younger than he was. Although he was thirteen and a half, and one of the oldest in his year, he was only about 4’10, and weighed no more than 75 pounds. His animagus form, rather than a dog, was just a pup. Not just a pup, a runt. He shook his head at Professor Lupin’s question. 

“Second year?” He tried again. Jamie shook his head a second time, and made a three with his fingers. 

The professor sighed, disappointed with what little progress he established with Jamie, who just huffed a piece of hair out of his blue eyes, and looked back and Padfoot, who seemed like he wanted to go over, but was being weary.

“Here eat this. It’ll make you feel better.” Professor Lupin handed Jamie a piece of chocolate, who hesitated before taking it, and quickly slipped it into his pocket. He looked at Padfoot again, who wagged his tail. 

“You can pet him. He’s very smart. Understands a lot for a dog.” Padfoot whined.

Embarrassingly enough, Jamie had never actually interacted with another dog before, and Pads was a big dog. His head probably met higher than Jamie’s ribs. He stuck his hand out hesitantly, and Pads, being impatient, met his head in Jamie's hand and went over to sniff Jamie. Jamie’s pup instincts spoke to do the same, and Jamie stuck his nose in the crease of Padfoot's neck.

Padfoot smelled surprisingly good to Jamie. Like lavender shampoo. Most people smelled really bad to him. Especially because his scent was heightened. After becoming an animagus Jamie experienced a lot of sensory issues that came with being a dog. Music Jamie once enjoyed was too loud and caused anxiety. Smells Jamie once loved were overwhelming and made him gag. It was very hard to adjust and he still had lots of issues regarding overstimulation. One of the down sides of being part dog. Jamie thought about this as he stroked Padfoot’s hair. 

After a minute Professor Lupin spoke again. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have a word with the Driver.” Padfoot licked Jamie’s dried tears before following the professor out. Jamie sat there, on the ground of the compartment the rest of the trip, trying to figure out what the thing was that attacked him, and if it was even real, why he felt what he felt when he looked at Padfoot, and who the other man was that Professor Lupin was talking to. 


	3. Sweet Creature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Chapter. Basically Jamie and Luna admiring thestrals.

When the train finally arrived at Hogwarts, Jamie was still very disoriented and therefore was one of the last ones over to the carriages. As he neared them, a look of confusion arose on his face as he stared at the fascinating skeletal-like horse that was hooked up to the coach. It had leathery black wings and white eyes that lacked any pupils. The year before, the carriages pulled themselves. He had assumed the coaches were enchanted with magic, but maybe, he thought, they’ve been there all along, and he just couldn’t see them. 

Jamie walked up next to Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw in his year as they both stared up at the creature. Luna reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of raw meat that she then threw up to the creature who chomped down on it gleefully. 

“So you can see them too now.” Luna said, still gazing ahead. 

Jamie nodded.

“Most people can’t see them. Thestrals can only be seen by people who’ve witnessed death.” 

Jamie turned his head to look at Luna and then back to the thestral, still awing at their unique beauty. “Even though they are quite docile and gentle, people usually avoid them. Most people don’t like that they're… well, different.” Luna said.

Jamie nodded in understanding. He didn’t know what to say, not that he’d say something if he even  _ did  _ know what to say. 

“Well, we should probably get going or we’ll miss the sorting ceremony.” she said with a skip in her voice as she boarded the carriages. 

“Are you coming?” 

Jamie admired the thestral for one more second before he nodded and slowly climbed into the coach, settling a few inches away from Luna. She knew why he could now see the thestrals, but Jamie was glad she didn’t go into more depth than what she said. 

Entering the big gates that lead to the castle, Jamie looked up to see two more of the creatures that attacked him on the train. He gulped as the carriage passed underneath and closed his eyes from the rest of the trip. 


	4. Who's That?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter changes perspectives a bit. Lupin and Sirius ask McGonagall who Jamie is.

After all the introductions, Professor Lupin and Padfoot curiously watched Jamie, who had entered the Great hall late and was not interested at all in the feast. He sat with his headphones on, and his head on the edge of the table, while he read a book on his lap. Curious, Lupin turned to professor McGonagall, who was in a chipper mood. 

“Minerva.” he started. “Who is that boy over there at the Hufflepuff table.” Lupin pointed at Jamie, and Pads, also curious, huddled over to hear.

“Well, that would be Jamie Bugsford. Terribly shy boy. Doesn’t really talk. Perfectly understandable after all that he’s been through, why?”

“A dementor attacked him on the train, he was extremely out of it afterward, but seemed to find comfort from Pads. I was in the compartment next door thank Merlin for that, but I fear if I hadn’t intervened he would have suffered the dementors kiss.” 

“Oh my…” said McGonagall disapprovingly. “He's one of our most sensitive students. He’s suffered a terrible loss. We had to get him a private corridor because of the nightmares. They’d wake all of the other students up! How was he… coming out of it?” 

“Distraught. I tried to get him to eat some chocolate but I don’t think he did. He was having some difficulty speaking,” said Lupin. 

“That’s no surprise, the boy has barely uttered more than a word since last year.” 

“How is he… academically? Is he slow--” 

“Not at all! The opposite in fact. He’s been tied for top of his class with Miss Granger since their first year. Not as competitive as her though. Mr. Bugsford naturally exceeds expectations, earning him great marks, but he lacks motivation. I mean, if he applied himself as much as Granger, there’s no question whether he’d be top of the class or not, but he doesn’t make school a priority. Except for Potions, that is.” 

“Potions? Interesting subject to pursue,” said Lupin, glancing Padfoot.

“Oh Remus, is it really that difficult to entertain the possibility that some students, well, a select few, actually enjoy Severus’s teaching?” McGonagall asked.

Lupin leaned forward and eyed Snape down the table, deciding it best not to answer that question.

“Mr. Bugsford goes down to Potions every day during his free period before dinner to help Severus. Whether it be with cleanup, or grading, or to help brew a healing draught for Madam Pomfrey. I think it helps distract him,” continued McGonagall. 

"Hmm. Well I’d like to tutor him to conjure his patronus. If what you say is true and he’s been through a lot then I’m afraid he will continue to be an easy target.” 

“I don’t know if he’s emotionally strong enough to conjure a patronus,” McGonagall said. 

“We have to try.” 


	5. Deal with the Devil.

After dinner Jamie walked back to the hufflepuff common room, and once there proceeded to walk into his private quarters where his stuff had already been placed. He was given a private corridor after the incident with James King in his first year. His nights were flooded with restless nightmares which had disturb the other boys his year and he had therefore been granted a room separate from the dorm. It was a small room. Inside was a bed, a desk, a drawer set, a closet, and a rocking chair that Jamie liked to read in. Attached to the room was a bathroom that thankfully included a shower.

Jamie laid down on his bed, and looked up at the stone ceiling. What was that thing that attacked him today? He put his headphones on and closed his eyes. 

_ “MARTIN” Jamie screeched. Martin fell off his broom and landed on the ground with a thud. Jamie jumped off the stands to try to run to him. But the field expanded larger and larger, expanding the gap between the two of them and Jamie’s strides felt smaller and smaller. The sun disappeared quickly from the horizon, and Jamie was left swallowed into the abyss of darkness from the night. Jamie ran and ran, but he couldn’t see anything. And at a certain point Jamie questioned if he was even running, or just fumbling in place.  _

_ Jamie hit something and fell to the ground. James King stood above him, smiling down at Jamie. The darkness swirled thickly around the two of them, and Jamie couldn’t see Martin, or King, or the Pitch. Jamie tightly shut his eyes, and when he opened them he was in the third floor corridor with King.  _

_ “You’re expelled. You’re n-not supposed to-to be here. You can’t, you can’t be here.”  _

_ King smirked and took a step forward. Jamie tried to move back but he couldn’t, he was stuck on the ground. Jamie felt his heart speed up, racing faster and faster until he couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating. _

_ “Oh Jamie… I’m not here. I was never here.” He took another step. “But, I will always,” step, “and forever be,” step, “in here.” King pointed at Jamie’s head, and Jamie felt a tearing pain in his stomach.  _

Jamie shot up and out of bed. He was covered in sweat, and shaking slightly. Jamie sat up, pulling his clothes loose from their sticking position that clung to his sweaty skin. Feeling sick to his stomach, Jamie decided to skip breakfast and just shower and head to class. 

The day of classes came and went. Jamie’s last class of the day was Defense Against the Dark Arts. and he was curious if he was going to get an explanation from Professor Lupin about the other day or not. Jamie sat in the back of the classroom. Class was spent going over the materials and the curriculum. Professor lupin appeared genuinely tranquil and composed. Weirdly a few times during class Jamie looked over and Padfoot who rested next to Professor Lupin’s desk and the dog happened to be peering directly at him, but as soon as Jamie glanced, Pads promptly looked away, like he knew he was busted. He shook his head and tried to focus. At the end of class Jamie got up to leave and sluggishly made his way to the door. 

“Mr. Bugsford, err, uh, Jamie, would you mind staying a moment.” Asked Professor Lupin.

Jamie put his backpack and wand down and sat back in his chair. He twirled his bracelet on his arm, something he often did when he was stressed, and looked up at his professor before his eyes met the floor. 

“First off I would like to apologize for not properly explaining what you experienced on the train. What you saw there was a dementor. Nasty creatures. Get too near one, and every good feeling, every happy memory, will be sucked out of you.” Jamie looked at his bracelet before clearing his throat and glancing at Lupin again, who paused, curiously waiting for Jamie to speak, but when he didn’t Professor Lupin peered at Padfoot before he continued.

“Do you know who Sirius Black is?” Lupin asked. Jamie shook his head. He had heard the name before but couldn’t place the context. 

“Well, Sirius Black was convicted of betraying the order and assisting on James Potter and Lily Evans assassination. He was never given a trial, and recently he mysteriously escaped Azkaban. They think he is now going to go after Harry Potter so they sent Dementors to ‘guard’ Hogwarts.”

Padfoot growled at this suddenly, Jamie tilted his head in curiosity, and when Professor Lupin saw Jamie’s reaction, he shot Pads a glance, and the dog immediately huffed and laid down. Jamie wasn’t shocked he didn’t know about Sirius Black. Although his parents were major advocates in the Ministry, they were often away and barely talked to Jamie at all, let alone share details about their work, and Jamie rarely, if ever, read the daily profit. He abhorred politics of the wizarding world and in avoiding the politics he was also devoid of learning about current events. 

“Anyway, moving forward Professor McGonagall and I both agreed you must learn how to defend yourself against the dementors. They are going to want to focus on a person they find who has suffered tremendous pain and agony in their lives and feed upon them, and in this case, I fear you might be a rather easy target.”

Jamie bit his cheek and turned to face away from his Professor, so that Lupin could not see the pain in his eyes. With King and his friends gone, he at least thought he would be able to go about his year without drawing unwanted attention to him, but no, now there were goddamn dementors that wanted to feed off him. The only thing Jamie wanted to do at this point was get the hell out of that classroom. All the memories of King and Martin were flooding back to him now, and it was too painful, too painful. He was already late to help Professor Snape; he had to go to Potions Class. 

  
  


Everyday during the free period between his last class and dinner Jamie had a habit of going down to his favorite Professor’s classroom and where he set to work to either help the cleanup of the room, organize the supply closet, scrub the cauldrons, sweep, or anything that would serve as a good excuse to be in company of the man that Jamie admired and respected since his first year. 

It had first started promptly after Jamie had recovered in the hospital wing. Professor Snape had summoned Jamie to his classroom to check on him. The next day Jamie came back unwarranted, and again the next day, and the next day, and the next day. Sooner or later it had become customary. 

Granted, Jamie never had really opened up to the cold Professor, but Snape had formed a habit of expecting Jamie’s arrival, and once he got there Jamie wasn’t allowed to stay unless he was put to use doing chores. 

Jamie didn’t mind of course, he hadn’t gone to the Potions room to talk or for tutoring, but simply appreciated the company, and although Snape had never admitted it, the fact that he never refused help from the boy indicated that he enjoyed the company as well. 

Jamie found himself to be exceedingly similar to Professor Snape. They were both quiet, smart, and Jamie could tell that his Professor had baggage. Jamie could spot a person’s baggage from a mile away, for he was unfortunately familiar with recognizing the signs from his own experiences. 

Jamie stood up and grabbed his backpack, checking the clock to make sure he wasn’t going to be too late, and stood waiting for Professor Lupin to officially dismiss him. 

“Now I completely understand this is a lot to process and that you have to get to Professor Snape's classroom, but how about you come here tomorrow, after lunch before your first afternoon class and do a quick lesson on conjuring your patronus to scare the dementors away. If you're able to do it tomorrow, then that will be it. No more lessons, but if you can’t, we meet every day after lunch until you succeed.” Professor Lupin suggested. 

Jamie had no clue how Professor Lupin knew about the extra help he offered to Snape.  _ Probably McGonogall told him,  _ Jamie figured. but that wasn’t the most unnerving part.

Although Jamie did not think the extra lessons were necessary, he knew there was no getting out of it, and had to get out of there as soon as he could. His breathing was starting to quicken and he felt a panic rushing to his head. Padfoot, catching on waltzed over to Jamie and nudged him with his head, snapping him out of his trance. Jamie reached down and patted Pads on his head before meeting eyes with Professor Lupin again, and nodded. At least this way he would be spending more time with Padfoot.

“Well then it’s a deal. Now run along before Professor Snape gets on my ass about keeping you here.” Professor Lupin had a warm smile and Jamie half grinned before petting Padfoot one more time before walking out.


	6. Convicted

As soon as Jamie was out the door Sirius went over and closed the door shut with his paws before turning into his human form. 

“Well, I think that went well,” Remus stated. 

“Yes except you made him think I betrayed Lily and James so now he’s probably scared of me.”

“First of all, I do recall saying  _ convicted,  _ not that you were proven, second of all, he’s not scared of Padfoot so what does it matter if he’s scared of Sirius, it’s not like you're going to be around him as, well, you,” added Remus batting an eye. 

“Whatever.” Sirius huffed. “It’s good to be back isn’t it?”

“Yes, well, I have sort of mixed feelings I suppose,” Lupin said, sighing heavily. 

“Cheer up, Moony. Just think of the positive. I’m out of Azkaban. We’re here together, back home, at Hogwarts! Feels like the good old days, doesn’t it?”

“A bit.” 

“And Harry looks so much like James! Except for the eyes, of course, he has Lily’s eyes. And apparently, he loves quidditch. Seeker! Can you believe that?” Sirius asked, excitedly. 

“Yes, well it must be in the blood.” 

“Must be.” Sirius agreed. “... So… Jamie Bugsford.” 

“Yeah, what about him?”

“Dunno.” Sirius shrugged. “Do you think he’ll be able to conjure the patronus?” Sirius asked, plopping himself down on the chair in Remus’s office. 

“Depends. McGonagall said he’s magically skilled. I just worry he hasn’t got a happy memory that’s strong enough.” 

Sirius shrugged. “What do you think happened to him?” 

“Sirius, I know just as much as you do about the boy.” Remus clapped, Jolting Sirius. “Now, let’s start going over our lesson plan for the year.” 

Sirius groaned and sank lower in the chair. “I need a quick nap.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re of no help, Sirius Black.”

Sirius grinned, and eyed Remus. “I know, Remus Lupin, I know. Oh it’s good to be back!.” 


	7. Secret Assignment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape gives Jamie a secret assignment

Jamie rushed into Professor Snape’s classroom. Hopefully he wouldn’t be noticeably late. As he entered, his Professor was sitting at his desks writing something down on parchment. He didn’t even look up as Jamie rushed in. 

“Oh good, you’re here. I was starting to think you wouldn’t make it, however as I have made it clear to you many times before, Mr. Bugsford, it is not mandatory for you to be here. You are not receiving any extra credit, not that you would need it seeing as you’ve been top of your class in Potions for the past two years. You do understand this correctly?” 

Jamie nodded. No part of him cared about extra credit. He didn’t care about his grades. Yes he was smart, and yes he did all his work, but that was only to distract him. 

“Well then, today you won’t be cleaning or organizing. I need you to make a potion. Are you familiar with wolfsbane?” 

Jamie nodded. “For werewolves,” he said quietly. 

“Correct. Well, I am going to teach you how to make it because from now on, every day you will come here before dinner, and make a brew of wolfsbane. No questions asked, and you will not tell anyone about this, although I highly doubt that you will. Am.. I.. under..stood?” Snape spoke slowly and surely. 

Jamie nodded. Snape raised an eyebrow waiting for Jamie to say it. 

“Yes sir..” 

“Good. Let’s get started then.”

Professor Snape spent the time slowly explaining each step to brewing wolfsbane. Thankfully he had written the instructions down precisely on parchment so Jamie could use that as a guide. It was the most complicated potion Jamie had ever seen. Complicated, but not impossible. As long as Jamie followed the formula, he would be fine. 

But later as Jamie sat in the Great Hall at dinner, another thought crossed his mind, _ ‘Why would Professor Snape be making a year's supply of Wolfsbane?’ _ and more importantly, _ ‘why am I not allowed to tell anyone about it? _ ’ Jamie drew three conclusions from this. One, there must be a werewolf at hogwarts. Two, because it was his first time brewing the potion (in no years prior did Jamie make wolfsbane and never recalled Snape making it), meant it must have been the first year that the werewolf was attending Hogwarts. And Three, that meant that whoever was the werewolf was most likely a first year student. 


	8. You What?!

When Remus and Sirius walked back to his classroom after dinner, Sirius shut the door and looked at his friend. 

“Moony, I must tell you something. Something you might not understand at first but I need you to trust me.” Remus leaned back on his desk and raised his eyebrows. 

Sirius went on. “I should have told you earlier today. But I didn’t fully understand. I still don’t fully understand.” 

“Please don’t tell me that you have fleas.” He batted, and when Sirius didn’t acknowledge the joke, he knew it was something important. 

“You know what imprinting is correct?” Sirius started.

“I believe it’s when a werewolf finds its soulmate, or when a newborn animal latches on to another animal or person for safety and guidance. Like a duck or something.” 

“Yes well that’s some of it. You see, it isn’t just with werewolves or ducks, though. It happens with animagus too.” 

“Well.. I suppose that makes sense. What’s this about Pads?” 

Sirius sighed and sat on a desk across from Remus. “...Jamie... Bugsford,” said Sirius

“Jamie Bugsford?” Remus paused.

“Jamie Bugsford” Sirius repeated. 

“You… imprinted..on Jamie? A thirteen year old boy that’s been through more trauma than Harry Potter?!” Remus yelled. 

“It’s not like that Remus! Don’t assume that because I imprinted on him means something… perverted. It’s not like that. I just feel, like I need to protect him, that I need to keep him safe. I feel like I can’t let him out of my sight because if something were to happen to him my world would fall apart.”

“Sirius you’ve only bloody met him yesterday!” Yelled Remus.

“You don’t understand Remus you’ve never imprinted! It’s more like…” 

Remus rolled his eyes.

“let me use your example!” Sirius yelled. “I’m the mama duck, and he’s my little duckling. Jamie is the only thing that matters now. I have to keep him safe.”

“Safe from what!?” Remus exclaimed, “And what about your godson Harry?! He doesn't matter anymore? Do I matter?”

“Of course you do, Moony! And Harry too. That’s not what I meant and you know that! That is not fair of you. Not after Jame’s death. Not after 12 years in Azkaban. You do not get to say that to me.” 

Remus sighed and shook his head. “Your right. Forgive me. I guess I just don’t understand. But I’ll try to Pads. I promise.” Remus reached his arms out and Sirius met him with a hug. Sirius rested his head on his friend’s shoulder.

“That’s all I’m asking for Moony.”


	9. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention this but whenever the text is italicised, the story shifts to either a flashback or nightmare.

The next day after lunch Jamie slowly walked up to The Defense Against the Dark Arts class nervously awaiting the lesson. He knocked on the door and when he heard a “come in” he entered. Professor lupin had moved most of the desks aside so there was a big open space in the class. Jamie put his backpack down and immediately went over to greet Padfoot who wagged his tail in a way it viciously whacked Jamie, and made him smile. 

“Wow, never thought I’d see a smile from you.” 

Jamie jumped at the voice, completely forgetting that Professor Lupin was there. Jamie stood up off the floor and sat at a desk pulled off to the side. Padfoot went to follow, but Professor Lupin whistled and Padfoot whined before sitting next to the Professor.

“So do you have any clue as to what a patronus is or how to cast one?” Lupin asked.

Jamie looked down and shook his head. 

“That’s alright. No need to worry. A Patronus is ‘a kind of anti dementor guardian that acts as a shield between you and the dementor. It’s a positive force, a projection of the very thing the dementors feed upon- hope, happiness, the desire to survive- but it cannot feel despair, as real humans can, so dementors can’t hurt it. Do you understand?”

Jamie nodded. 

“Now, to conjure your patronus, you must think of your happiest memory. Focus on it, with all your might. Concentrate, hold your wand out, and say, Expecto Patronum. Will you be able to do that?” Jamie looked down to find Padfoot’s head resting in his lap looking up Jamie with hopeful eyes.

“Yes” said Jamie quietly. And Pads tail suddenly started wagging which caused Jamie to smile again. Jamie looked up and saw his professor also smiling down at them before clearing his throat and pointing to the center of the class.

“Alright. Up you go.”

Jamie stood up and took out his slim black wand from his backpack. He took his long robe off and moved to the center of the class. 

“Now think of a happy memory and whenever you're ready.” 

Jamie stuck his wand out, and closed his eyes. 

_ “Magical Drafts and potions, that sounds like a fun read .” _

_ Jamie looked up from his book in the library and saw Martin Smith smiling at him.  _

_ “I’m Martin,” he said, eyeing Jamie’s black eye and rib brace and sitting down next to him. The sun was slowly rising over Hogwarts, and the Library was quiet and peaceful since most people took the Saturday morning to sleep in.  _

_ Martin pulled out a book and smiled. Jamie already knew who he was, how could he not? He was a prefect, on the quidditch team, and every Hufflepuff basically worshipped him. Jamie understood why too. He was always nice to everyone, a great athlete, and classically handsome. He had blue eyes, tan skin, muscular, with dirty blonde hair. _

_ “Listen Jamie, I want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to, or even just a shoulder to cry on, I’m here. I don’t know what happened to you, and I’m not going to ask. Frankly that’s nobody’s business but yours. But I do know that you may think no one cares, but that's not true. I care.”  _

_ “I d..d-don’t need your pity.” Jamie dismissed, turning to face his book once more.  _

_ “No..No of course you don’t! You misunderstand...I just.. I want you to know that, well, I’m here. And I'll be here if you need someone. I don’t pity you. But I empathize.” _

_ Jamie half smiled.  _

_ “Sit with me at dinner tonight will you? I promise I won’t make you talk, we can just sit there if you want.” Jamie looked at Martin who seemed genuine. _

_ “Come on now, don’t make me get down on my knees and beg you. It’ll be fun. Promise.” _

_ Jamie huffed. “Okay.” he said quietly.  _

_ Martin’s eyes beamed and he shot up. “Okay! Great! Well, um, I’ll see you then.”  _

_ Martin licked his lips, returned the book to the shelf, and smiled one more time before practically skipping out of the library. Jamie felt a flush on his cheeks and realized that his smile hadn’t faded even after Martin had left.  _

  
  


“Jamie, open your eyes.” 

Jamie, snapping out of his memory, slowly opened his eyes to see a bright cloud of mist, in the shape of his animagus. A puppy-like dog pranced around the room from a string of light that came out of his wand. After a couple of seconds, the puppy evaporated. 

Jamie slowly lowered his wand as he felt a tear roll down his cheek at the memory of Martin. He quickly wiped it away and turned to Professor Lupin who looked stunned. Jamie then turned to look at Padfoot, who weirdly and miraculously also looked stunned. All of a sudden Jamie felt a wave of anxiety as if they knew his secret. That they knew he was an animagus. But they couldn't. Could they?

“Bad?’’ Jamie looked down as he asked. 

“No, no, Jamie, you didn’t do bad at all.” Professor Lupin looked at Padfoot before he continued. 

“Quite the opposite really. Erm, please, sit down.” 

Jamie tilted his head to the side in question before sitting down, twirling his bracelet while he did so. He huffed a piece of hair out of his eyes so he could see better; which didn’t really help since his eyes were as red and puffy as usual.

“Jamie, erm, just then, when you conjured your patronus, you did it perfectly. No, you did it better than perfectly. You see, you didn’t say ‘Expecto Patronum’ and yet your memory was so strong that it didn’t matter. Most witches and wizards can’t conjure a patronus let alone conjure one wordless. It’s brilliant, really.”

Although Jamie should have felt happy. He didn’t. Because he didn’t want to recall the memories. Coming back into reality from that...It just hurt too much. Professor Lupin must have noticed Jamie’s sudden melancholy change in behavior too. 

“No more lessons. You conjured your patronus. A deals a deal. You are dismissed.” 

Jamie didn’t even shoot padfoot a glance before grabbing his bag and rushing out the door to vomit in the nearest toilet possible. 


	10. Monster in the closet

Jamie’s afternoon classes went by slowly, but before he knew it he was back in Defense against the dark arts class. Jamie sat down in his usual seat and waited for Professor Lupin to introduce the lesson. 

“Today we are going to be doing a lesson on Boggarts. Does anybody know what a Boggart is?” 

The class was silent. 

“Very well. A Boggart is a shape-shifting creature that will assume the form of whatever most frightens the person who encounters it. Nobody knows what a Boggart looks like if nobody is there to see it, although it continues to exist, usually giving evidence of its presence by rattling, shaking or scratching the object in which it is hiding. Boggarts particularly like confined spaces, but may also be found lurking in woods and around shadowy corners. The more generally fearful a person is, the more susceptible they will be to Boggarts. Muggles, too, feel their presence and may even glimpse them, although they seem less capable of seeing them plainly and are usually easily convinced that the Boggart was a figment of their imagination.”

Sami Welsh, a third year Hufflepuff raised her hand. “Professor?” 

“Yes, Miss..” 

“Welsh. Sami Welsh.”

“Miss Welsh, did you have a question?”

“Yes, sir. Are Boggarts like Poltergeists?” 

“Great question. Does anyone know where the word Poltergeist originates from?”

Jamie nodded. Professor Lupin must have caught this because he smiled at Jamie and stepped forwards.

“Mr. Bugsford, please.”

Jamie looked down and cleared his throat, turning his bracelet as his cheeks heated up when the class turned to look at him.

“It .. erm…”

“Please, speak up.” 

Jamie felt a tug on his trousers and looked down to see Padfoot sitting by Jamie’s feet, wagging his tail in reasusrence. Jamie cleared his throat again. 

“The word P..P-Poltergeist derives from German origin…” Jamie paused, his eyes meeting the floor as his heart began to speed up, and his breath quickened.

“Yes…” Lupin nodded, smiling slightly, “Anything more?” 

Jamie nodded slightly again, and took a deep breath. “The word first arose in the mid 19th c-century. Poltern, in German, means t..t-to create a disturbance.” Jamie twisted his bracelet, and closed his eyes in effort to avoid the entire class turned to look at him. “And Geist, in German, means ghost…” 

Jamie opened his eyes again to see Professor Lupin’s smile widely. 

“Very good, yes! Now, to answer your question, Miss Welsh, Like a poltergeist, a Boggart is not and never has been truly alive. It is one of the strange non-beings that populate the magical world, for which there is no equivalent in the Muggle realm. But poltergeists, like Peeves for example, is an invisible entity that’s purpose is to create inconveniences, and kinetic disturbances. Boggarts can be made to disappear, but more Boggarts will inevitably arise to take their place. Similar to poltergeists and the more sinister Dementors, they seem to be generated and sustained by human emotions. Any questions?”

The class stared blankly at professor Lupin. 

“None? Good. Right then, The spell that defeats a Boggart can be tricky, because it involves making the creature into a figure of fun, so that fear can be dispelled in amusement. If the caster is able to laugh aloud at the Boggart, it will disappear at once. The incantation is ‘Riddikulus’, and the intention is to force the Boggart to assume a less-threatening and hopefully comical form. 

“Repeat after me.. Riddikulus.”

“Riddikulus.” The class chanted back.

“Perfect. Now, Everyone up. Clear the desks to the side, and form a line.”

Suddenly, at once, everyone sprang up to help each other push the desks aside before racing to form a line. Jamie slowly headed to the back of the line while nervously eyeing Professor Lupin. 

Ella Jones from Ravenlcaw stepped up first. The boggart banged on the cupboard waiting to be opened. Professor lupin flicked his wand and the cupboard latch unlocked. Out came a giant rabid bat with fangs as sharp as knives, and beady eyes. The bat hovered in the air before she screamed, “Riddikulus” and the bat transformed itself into a cute racoon in a pink dress and a bowtie. The class laughed and Ella did a quick curtsy before skipping to the back of the line. 

“Very well, next!” Professor Lupin beamed. 

Jordan Watson, another Ravenclaw, stepped up next, and the Racoon turned into a cloud of smoke before transforming into a giant tarantula. Jamie rolled his eyes.  _ Dull,  _ he thought. Victrum said the word and the Tarantula transformed into a fat lady in a spider costume. The class raved and the line moved on. 

Person after person went. Jamie’s anxiety rose and rose after each person went knowing that meant the sooner he would have to go. Padfoot stuck by Jamie through the line and moved up when he did. Jamie stroked Padfoot’s head to calm his nerves. Jamie was next in line when class ran out of time. Professor Lupin locked the Boggart back in the cupboard and everyone grabbed their things and left. Jamie breathed out a sigh of relief and grabbed his back about to dart when Professor Lupin spoke. 

“You do have to go Jamie. But, if you would like, You may face your boggart privately and not in front of the whole class. Might you prefer that? It will take 5 minutes at most and you’ll still make it to help Professor Snape.”

Jamie thought about this for a minute before nodding. Although he didn’t want to go, if he had to he’d much rather do it without the whole class.

“You needn't worry. I’ll be right here if you need me.” Jamie took out his wand, a ten inch black wand made of walnut and faced the cupboard. Feeling ready as he’ll ever be to face his boggart. 

“Remember now, Riddikulus.” 

“Riddikulus.” Jamie repeated quietly. 

With a flick of his wand the Cupboard unhinged itself, and the door slowly krept open. And what Jamie saw horrified him. 

Martin stood before him. His skin was pale. So incredibly pale unlike his natural sun kissed appearance. His once blue eyes were foggy and glazed over. And his head was bashed in with dried blood spilling down and maggots and flies swarming the area. His quidditch uniform was dirt covered and he had worms crawling up and down his body. A silver ring with a snake embroidered on it lay on Martin’s finger all scratched up and worn. After a second Martin opened his mouth to talk, his teeth rotten to the core. 

“Jay, why’d you kill me?” he asked. Jamie stood there, tears spilling down his eyes. Unable to move, unable to breathe. Professor Lupin said something, but Jamie couldn’t hear him. 

“Why didn’t you save me Jay?” Martin continued. 

Professor Lupin spoke again but Jamie couldn’t hear or see anything at this point except Martin. 

“I tried.” Jamie sobbed. 

“No. This is all your fault. You killed me, and I’m dead because of you, and now you have to live with that for the rest of your life.” Jamie felt the floor sway beneath him before everything went black. 

_ Jamie sat in the common room by the fireplace, gazing deeply into the flames. He heard the portrait hole open, and Martin walked in, quidditch robes covered in sweat and dirt. Martin sat down next to Jamie and smiled.  _

_ “Hey Jay, what’s up?”  _

_ Jamie quickly looked towards the window and noticed the starless night.  _

_ “Did you have quidditch practice?” Jamie asked, setting his wand beside him and turning to face Martin.  _

_ “Yeah, why?” Martin tilted his head in confusion. _

_ “What time is it?” He asked, glancing around again. _

_ “It’s 2:30”  _

_ “AM or PM?”  _

_ “AM. What’s going on Jay? Why are you acting so weird.” Martin asked.  _

_ “Quidditch doesn’t go on that late.” Jamie said, standing up and looking around the common room.  _

_ “What are you looking for?” Martin asked, noticing Jamie pacing around, and heading upstairs for a minute. Jamie walked back downstairs and sat back down on the couch.  _

_ “Where is everyone?” he asked, leaning back, and focussing his gaze on the ceiling.  _

_ “I don’t know, probably asleep.”  _

_ “No. I checked the corridors. There’s nobody here. And why are you having quidditch practice so late at night?” Jamie asked.  _

_ Martin chuckled and sat up tall. “You’re very fast Jamie. Why do you think?”  _

_ “Dunno….” Jamie paused, and looked outside again. “Am I-” _

_ “Let me ask you something now. Are you haunted by memories or do you prefer escaping in them?” Martin asked curiously.  _

_ “What?” Jamie asked, his head shooting back to focus on Martin.  _

_ “I guess what I’m asking is, does your guilt really not way that heavily on your mind?” Martin asked, grabbing Jamie’s arm, and touching his bracelet slightly. _

_ Jamie looked at Martin with confusion. “It does.”  _

_ “Really? It does? Hmm. That’s interesting.” Martin let go of Jamie’s arm, and it fell back down on the couch.  _

_ “Why is it interesting?” he asked.  _

_ “Because… you say you feel guilty… and you hold yourself responsible…” _

_ “I do.”  _

_ “Yet you enjoy this. Being haunted by memories and dreams. No matter how guilty you feel. You get to relive what little you have left of me. I’m still alive to you in your dreams.”  _

_ “Martin, I don’t have dreams of you, I have nightmares. And I don’t like being trapped in my nightmares.” _

_ “THAT’S NOT TRUE!” Martin screamed. Jamie flinched. “Because you CHOSE to be here! This is your mind! I don’t have a choice!”  _

_ Jamie tried to stand up, but Martin stopped him, grabbing his arms and pushing him back down on the couch.  _

_ “SIT DOWN!” _

_ “I didn’t choose to be here Martin! If I did, you wouldn’t be acting this way!” Jamie screamed, bringing his knees to his chest. _

_ “You want to keep my memory alive, you want to keep ME alive, right?”  _

_ Jamie put his legs down and inched towards Martin. “More than anything-.”  _

_ “But I’m not alive, Jay! Your mind is playing tricks on you! This isn’t me! This is YOU. I’m dead, Jamie. You have to accept that.” _

_ “I did accept it. I do, I mean. I feel terrible everyday! You don’t think that’s acceptance? I know you’re dead! I know it’s my fault! I have to live with that everyday. I accept that.”  _

_ “No, Jamie!… That’s not acceptance… that’s depression… you have to be able to accept my death without holding yourself responsible… You have to accept that it wasn’t your fault!” _

_ “I can’t!” _

_ “Why not?!” _

_ “Because, it was my fault! It’s my fault you’re dead...” Jamie tried to stifle his tears but they flowed like a river after a rainstorm. “...and I’d be lying to myself if I said otherwise.” _

_ “Jamie, you are slowly losing yourself. You cannot pick and choose what’s real and what isn’t!. And you can’t keep holding yourself responsible for something you have no control of… and until you can do that…you will never be rid of the nightmares…” _

_ “What?” _

_ “Until you are able to let go of the past and move on, I will be your ghosts, I will be your fears, your biggest regrets… your failures and shortcomings… your worst memories… I will be your demons, lurking in the shadows, and waiting until you're at your most vulnerable to come out and make you face everything you’ve pushed down.”  _

_ “Why, Martin? Why are you doing this?”  _

_ “Because, like I said, Jamie. I’m not Martin... I’m you. And you feel like you need to be punished. So until you can accept and move on. I will always be here, in your nightmares And this isn’t how you want to remember me. So accept that it wasn’t your fault. Let it go, Jamie. You have to let it go.” _

  
  


A pain shot through Jamie’s head as he shot up. “Padfoot.” he huffed, Suddenly coming to his conscience. Within a second the big dog was huddled on Jamie, and he sobbed into the dog’s fur. Realizing he was still in the classroom, and immediately becoming embarrassed, he opened his eyes. He saw professor Lupin crouched beside Jamie who was on the ground. Jamie clutched his head in pain.

“It’s alright. You just blacked out and hit your head. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you to face the Boggart. I didn’t know it was going to affect you like that.” He paused hesitantly. “Who was that?.’’ Professor Lupin asked softly. 

“Martin…he’s my best friend.” Jamie said in a quaint whisper. “was my best friend.” he said, correcting himself.

Jamie wiped his tears, and stood up slowly, Professor Lupin tried to help Jamie but he flinched at the contact, so Lupin stopped. Jamie looked at his watch and realized he was 15 minutes late to Potions. Professor Lupin spoke. 

“Jamie, It’s been made aware to me that you have terrible nightmares. Am I mistaken.”

Jamie nodded but scrunched his eyebrows at the questions. 

“It’s just that, coming out of these, well, blackouts, you’ve always seem to find comfort from Pads, and well, he’s awfully fond of you just as well. So I was thinking, if you’d like, maybe Padfoot could stay with you at night and help you sleep through the night. Would you like that?” Professor Lupin said. 

Jamie raised his eyebrows, and looked at Padfoot. Who looked equally as confused with his ears perked up and his head tilted before dropping his ears and wagging his tail. Jamie nodded aggressively. And went over to hug Padfoot whose tail kept whacking Jamie. 

“Right then, come to retrieve him from my classroom after dinner but before curfew. And I’ll write a note saying I’ve allowed it for anyone who asks. Now run along you still have to get to Potions before dinner.” Professor Lupin stated. 

Jamie gave Padfoot a kiss on the head before turning to professor Lupin. “Thank you.” he said just above a whisper. Professor Lupin nodded before Jamie grabbed his bag and rushed out the door. 


	11. None Like me

“What the  _ hell  _ did you just do Moony?” Sirius asked

“You saw him Pads, you saw how distraught he was. He needs you, and you know you’re the only one who can help him.” 

Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes. Before nodding. 

“Just don’t try anything funny, or you know I’ll kill you faster than you can say full moon.” Remus said.

Sirius laughed. “Wasn’t planning on it, and will you stop with that talk? It very much disturbs me as much as you, if not more since I’m the one who imprinted. I’m just going to be the father figure he never had.” Sirius added. 

“How do you know he hasn’t got a father already?” Remus asked.

“Maybe he’s got one. Just none like me.” Sirius stated. 


	12. Borrowed Dog

_ Jamie slowly walked into the Great Hall. Martin sat waiting for him at the end of the table.  _

_ “Hey, Jamie!” he called, waving Jamie over to sit next to him. “I saved you a seat next to me.”  _

_ Jamie wearily made his way over to the Hufflepuff table to Martin, wincing in pain and grabbing his ribs as he sat down.  _

_ “How were your classes today?” Martin asked curiously, serving himself some beef casserole.  _

_ Jamie shrugged. “Fine.”  _

_ Martin grinned, not looking up from his food. “One day I’ll get you to open up to me, I can promise you that.” he said, his hand reaching for Jamie’s shoulder.  _

_ Jamie jumped backwards. “Don’t touch me.” he said, shrinking down, his eyes meeting the floor.  _

_ “Oh right, I’m sorry.” Martin’s hands were in the air as if he was surrendering. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”  _

_ Martin’s hands were at his plate again, and his eyes were looking down, focussed on his food.  _

_ Jamie said nothing for a few seconds, but he had a sudden burst of courage. “What do you… what d-do you want from me?” Jamie asked cutting right to the chase. _

_ Martin finally looked up, and turned his attention fully to Jamie.  _

_ “What do you mean?” he asked.  _

_ “I mean exactly what I said. what d.d-do you want. Why did you ask for me to sit next to you.”  _

_ Martin sighed. “I just want to make sure you’re okay. To look out for you.”  _

_ “I don’t need someone looking after me. I’m d..d-doing just fine on my own, thanks.”  _

_ “Yeah, because it sure looks like you’re doing just fine.” Martin said, smirking slightly.  _

_ “I am, thanks. And I can take care of myself, you know.” Jamie said, sitting up tall, and taking a sip of pumpkin juice.  _

_ Martin was silent for a few seconds, his eyes focussed back on Jamie. “No.” he said softly. _

_ Jamie looked up at Martin, and put his pumpkin juice down. “What do you mean, no?” he asked.  _

_ “I mean no.” he said, his smile growing.  _

_ “Yes.” Jamie countered with a small smirk that anyone would have missed if they weren’t looking closely.  _

_ “Then why aren’t you eating?” Martin asked, popping some casserole into his mouth.  _

_ “Not hungry.” Jamie shrugged, looking down.  _

_ Martin rolled his eyes and served some casserole onto Jamie’s plate. “Case in point.” he said, leaning over to Jamie.  _

_ Martin smelled faintly of a bar of soap, orange peels, and freshly cut grass. Jamie breathed in and felt himself relax.  _

_ He took his fork and lightly stabbed the casserole, bringing it to his mouth.  _

_ “There you go!” said Martin, mimicking Jamie’s movements.  _

_ “I can take care of myself.” Jamie said again.  _

_ “I know,” said Martin. “I know.”  _

  
  


“Are you?” Snape asked, looking up from his desk. 

Jamie snapped out of his trance and continued on the potion. 

“Sorry, what?” 

“Paying...Attention.” Snape quirked a brow.

“Yes, sir. Sorry.” 

Jamie silently worked on brewing the potion in the dungeons while professor Snape graded papers. Because the free time before dinner was also when Detention was, and most days there was at least one person in the classroom serving detention, people often assumed that Jamie misbehaved, which was far from the truth. That particular day, Harry Potter sat in detention with Ron Weasley watching Jamie as he worked. Jamie shook his head, and continued on the complex potion. He knew that Professor Snape hated Harry. Merlin, the whole grade knew it, nobody knew why exactly. There were rumors obviously. People said that Snape worked for you-know-who, and because Harry defeated him, the professor held it against Harry. But Jamie didn’t believe those. He didn’t really have a relationship with Harry. I mean, Jamie and Hermione used to get on well before him completely shut down, but even after, the trio were always kind to him, so there was no bad blood. As Jamie finished the last step, he poured the finished product into a small vile, and secured it with a cork. He then walked up to Professor Snape’s desk, and sat the vile down. Jamie looked at his feet while the professor snatched the vile, removed the cork, and sniffed it to make sure it was right. 

“Impressive. Well done Mr. Bugsford you may leave.” Snape said.

Jamie looked up at his favorite professor and gave him a quick grin before turning around, grabbing his backpack and heading out the door. His head still hurt terribly and he wondered if he had a concussion. He heard Professor Snape dismiss Harry and Ron behind him as he hurried off to dinner. Jamie heard footsteps behind him grow louder and louder until Harry and Ron were walking besides Jamie. 

“Bloody hell that was brutal. I swear he finds pleasure in torturing us.” Ron said. 

Jamie shrugged and Harry elbowed Ron in the gut. 

“Never mind him.” chimed Harry, “Mind if we walk with you to dinner?” 

Jamie shook his head and gave a half smile. While they walked along the castle, heading to the great hall, Jamie listened as Ron complained about homework, Snape, Draco Malfoy, the dementors, and Sirius Black. Jamie listened intently, finding him somewhat amusing but Harry just seemed done with him. As they entered the Great Hall, Jamie looked up at the head table, and looked up at Professor Lupin who winked at Jamie signalling the plan was a go. Jamie gave a small grin and sat down at the Hufflepuff table in his usual spot. Because he was in a rather good mood, he decided to eat half a piece of chicken. He listened to his housemates in his year that were talking to see what they were up to. 

On his left, Andrew Rose (aka Andy) was updating Dani Schwartz on a muggle show. In his first year, Andy had been one of his only friends, but after the incident, Jamie pushed Andy away and they had grown apart. On his right, Sami Welsh was talking to Juliet Schwartz, Dani’s twin, about her Gryffindor ex named Daniel. At first, Jamie was repulsed at how shallow their issues were, but then he remembered, everyone has skeletons in the closet. Everybody has baggage. 

At the end of dinner Jamie was the first one to leave the Great Hall, but then he realized, there would be no point to get to the classroom before Professor Lupin would even be there, so Jamie dawdled around the castle on his way to the Classroom. He looked out the windows on the setting sun and thought about the serenity of the sunset. 

“Beautiful isn’t it, the view?’’

Jamie jumped and turned, startled at the interruption to his thought process. Professor Lupin stood there, next to him, looking out the window.. Padfoot next to him. Jamie then realized that he had been standing at the window next to the DADA Classroom for a while, loitering by the door. 

Jamie gave a half smile, before his eyes dropped and he started fiddling with his bracelet. 

“So, here’s your note,” Professor Lupin handed Jamie a note. “Pads as you can see does not need a leash; he's trained very well although he can be a stubborn ass sometimes.” Padfoot growled as if he understood Professor Lupin. He already ate so he doesn’t need any food or anything. Other than that you're good to go. You can return him to me at breakfast.” 

Jamie nodded. And Professor Lupin turned and was about to start walking away when he felt a tug on his sweater. Lupin turned around and Jamie looked up to lupin and whispered, “Thank you.” Professor Lupin grinned before walking away. 

Jamie looked down at Padfoot whose tail was wagging fast. 

“Come on then.” 

Jamie and Padfoot walked side by side all the way to the Hufflepuff common room, and once there, Jamie bolted into his private quarters and locked the door to avoid any questions. Padfoot examined Jamie’s room, and started sniffing around. 

The first thing the big dog did was go to Jamie’s desk, pull out a drawer with his mouth, and started growling at the joints Jamie had in there. Jamie quickly closed the drawer, and looked down at Padfoot. 

“It helps calm the nerves.” he said shyly, shrugging, before realizing he was talking to a dog, but at this point, who cares. Padfoot then went over to Jamie’s rocking chair which sat a blue stuffed bunny that Jamie had since he was a baby. Padfoot grabbed him, and placed him in Jamie’s hands. 

“This is Bo. I used to think he would protect me from monsters.” Jamie placed Bo back in the rocking chair. “Turns out, monsters aren’t the thing to be afraid of. People are.” Jamie sighed and sat on his bed. Padfoot whined before going to Jamie’s closet. He scratched at the door wanting to see what was inside. Jamie stood up and followed Padfoot, and slid the dark wooden door open. There was little inside. A few shirts, some jumpers, trousers, a couple dress shirts, and Jamie’s uniformed robes. The minimum. Padfoot went over to sniff the clothes, taking particular interest in a black jumper. Jamie’s eyes flashed with nostalgia. 

_ “It’s your sixth year and you didn’t know there was a giant squid in the Black Lake?” Jamie laughed.  _

_ “Well don’t say it like that! Not everyone is as bright and brilliant as you are!” Martin replied. Jamie and Martin walked along on their usual evening stroll after dinner on the outskirts of the Castle. _

_ “Giant squids have eyes the size of frisbees, did you know that? They can grow up to forty three feet, and weigh a thousand pounds!” _

_ “Really?” Martin asked, grinning at Jamie.  _

_ “Yeah, and their tentacles can regenerate.” _

_ “What else?”  _

_ “Well, they have three hearts. Instead of a tongue, they use something called a radula. Their brains are donut shaped, and whales like to eat them as snacks.”  _

_ “Wow.” said Martin.  _

_ “Plus, I think it’s kind of funny how the giant squid isn’t even a magical creature, and ours doesn’t inherit any magical traits. I wonder how it even got in the Black Lake.”  _

_ Martin snorted. “Probably Hagrid.”  _

_ Jamie laughed too. “Yeah, probably.  _

_ Jamie shivered at a gust of wind.  _

_ “Are you cold?” He asked, nudging Jamie’s shoulder. _

_ “A bit but I’ll be fine.” Jamie responded.  _

_ “Here take my jumper, I’m hot anyway.” Martin offered. Removing his hoodie and placing it in Jamie’s hands.  _

_ “No thanks-” _

_ “Would you shut it and just wear my bloody sweatshirt? I’m trying to be nice. Now put it on before I smack you.” joked Martin.  _

_ Jamie blushed and pulled the oversized black hoodie over his head. It smelled like Martin. And it was warm and soft on the inside. Jamie rubbed his cheek along the inner soft fabric, and saw out of the corner of his eye Martin smiling.  _

_ “Mine now.” Jamie said softly. _

_ “Yours.” Martin repeated, putting his arm over Jamie’s shoulder as they headed back to the castle.  _

Jamie slammed the closet door shut, blocking the memories out, and startling Padfoot. Feeling shameful, Jamie sat on his bed and buried his head in his shaking hands. Pads walked over and nudged him with his snout. Jamie looked up at him with tears spilling down his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” Padfoot leaped onto the bed and layed down, putting his head on Jamie’s lap. Jamie stood and changed out of his robes, and into an oversized t-shirt, and boxers. Padfoot seemed to already be asleep when he quickly brushed his teeth and got into bed. Padfoot laid by his feet at first, but when Jamie kept tossing and turning, he moved closer to Jamie, and laid next to him. Soon, Jamie was fast asleep. 


	13. Scars

The next morning Jamie awoke to Padfoot nudging him. He sat up and stretched. “No nightmares,'' he said quietly. He looked at his watch and saw that it was 7:35 so breakfast had already started. Padfoot lay watching Jamie. he gave Pads a head rub before getting up and stripping to shower. When Jamie removed his t-shirt Sirius noticed the scars running down Jamie’s underfed fragile torso. Jamie walked into the bathroom and got the hot water running before jumping in and quickly scrubbing himself. When the conditioner was all out of his tangly hair, he turned the water off and wrapped the towel around his waist. Jamie looked at himself in the mirror above his sink, He looked at his torso, almost his entire rib cage lay visible. His arms lacked any meat, just skin and bone, but he didn’t care. Jamie pushed his dark, wet hair forwards blocking his eyes before walking out. 

Padfoot lifted his head as Jamie walked back into the room, whining before putting his head back down. Jamie collapsed back onto his bed. Padfoot scooted forward and tried to lick Jamie’s faded scars to tend to them. 

“Don’t.” He said, pushing Pads away. The dog whined again. 

“They’re old.. They don’t bother me. See? They don’t hurt,” Jamie said rubbing his hands along the scars that ran down his back. 

Jamie stood and went over to his messy desk, took out a joint, and a lighter, and inhaled deeply before closing his eyes and releasing the smoke. Padfoot growled and Jamie eyed him, sticking the joint back between his lips and reaching into his dresser to grab a pair of boxers. 

“Oh calm down," Jamie said with the joint still between his lips. Jamie pulled his boxers up to his waist before taking the towel off and using it to dry his hair messily. He threw the towel back in the bathroom. And took the joint out of his mouth, exhaling once again before putting it back in. Jamie grabbed his dress trousers and pulled them up. Although Jamie was a bit embarrassed he had to buy his clothes in the little boy section, the trousers fit nicely on him. They were slim and tight charcoal grey, but they weren’t too tight. Jamie put the joint out on his ashtray, and grabbed his long sleeve white button up collared jumper, slowly buttoning each one and putting his hufflepuff tie on. Jamie tucked his shirt in all around and grabbed a black belt to secure everything. Padfoot sat and waited. 

Jamie then put his converse on and grabbed his backpack, finally ready to go. Pads jumped off the bed and followed Jamie out to the common room. Because Jamie was heading to breakfast so late, as he normally did, the common room was empty. Most Hufflepuffs were early risers, Jamie being the exception, but it was already 7:50, and breakfast would be over at 8:15. 

As they entered The Great Hall, Jamie ruffled Padfoot’s hair before going to sit at his table. Sirius went over to the Staff Table and sat next to Lupin who waved at Jamie. Jamie waved back and decided he must eat something for breakfast. He decided on a small serving of hash browns, and watched as everyone else were finishing their meals. Jamie realized that if he wanted to continue to repress the nightmares, he needed Padfoot. 


	14. Restorative Potion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Scars and possible eating dissorder

“So how was his sleep?” Remus asked as they prepared for the day of classes.

“Moony, that boy is going to starve himself to death. I got a look at him, and he was a skeleton. Not to mention the scars all down his back. Merlin, do you reckon he’s being beaten at home?” Sirius asked. 

“I don’t know. and he is rather small for a boy his age, but that doesn’t mean he is starving himself.” Remus argued.

“Moony I’ve only seen him eat half a piece of chicken and a small serving of crisps this morning. Now I’ll agree maybe he isn’t purposely starving himself, but he’s underweight. I could count all of his ribs. And that's not all; the boy smokes.” added Sirius

“Smokes what?”

“Weed!” Sirius exclaimed. “Now obviously it’s not that big a deal if he was healthy, of course we had our own share of that, but he’s not. He’s hurting himself.” Sirius finished.

“Well what do you imply we do?” Remus asked

“I don’t know. How about we talk to Snape? Jamie will most likely listen to him, and can get him to take one of those weight gaining potions?” 

“And why would Snape do anything that we ask him to?” Asked Remus.

“Because Moony, It’s Jamie, and Snape seems to have a soft spot for him. I have no clue why a s he hates everyone else, but he does.” 

“Alright. Just let me do the talking.” finished Remus.

“What is it you want? I know you didn’t come down here to gossip.” Severus said as Remus and Sirius walked into the classroom after lunch. 

“We came here to talk to you about a particular student.” Remus said. “Jamie Bugsford.” 

That must have grasped his attention because Severus glanced up from his paperwork and met eyes with the two of them before looking back down to continue grading papers. 

“What about Mr. Bugsford?” Severus asked in his usual low and slow tone. 

Sirius was about to speak when Remus shot him a look. Remus continued.

“I’m afraid Mr. Bugsford might be medically compromised. He is profoundly underweight, and he eats very little to nothing.” 

Severus raised his eyebrows. “And what part do I play in his eating hab-” 

-“HE NEEDS TO GAIN WEIGHT BEFORE HE KILLS HIMSELF.” Sirius interjection. Remus signed and smacked his head. 

“Could you brew him a daily dose of Restorative potion?” Remus asked. 

“I’m already making you your wolfsbane, now you're asking me to make another potion for a student whom you’ve known for what? A Few days? And why take particular interest in Mr. Bugsford? Don't you have other students to worry about, hmm? Forgetting about your own godson Black?”

Sirius stood up but Remus blocked him from doing anything rash. 

“I will brew him the potion, but don’t let it go to your ego. I’m not doing it for you. Now get out.” Snape said, and went back to his work. 


	15. Classes

In potions they were making a new potion of Shrinking Solution, which was a rather easy potion to brew, in Jamie’s opinion. Except they had been put into partners. Jamie had been partnered with Andy Rose, a fellow Hufflepuff. Jamie would rather have been working alone, but Andy was a fine partner.

“Alright,” said Andy, gathering the materials. “Where should we start?”

“You d..d-don’t remember?” Jamie asked. “We were assigned an essay on the Shrinking Solution over Holiday.” 

“Oh yes, it causes the drinker to shrink to a smaller form, if brewed correctly.”

“Yes, but brewed incorrectly, it c..c-can apparently be poisonous, so it’s crucial that we get it right. It should appear bright green by the end.”

“Right, we start with the Shrivelfigs, right?” Andy asked. 

Jamie shook his head. “The t..t-textbook isn’t reliable, I have a better recipe,” Jamie said, pulling out his copy of Shrinking Solution that he copied from memory to the one he saw on Snape’s desk a few days prior. 

“Oh, come on, Jamie. Let’s just follow the textbook and get this over with.” 

“This is Snape’s copy of the proper Potion, though.” Jamie showed Andy his parchment with Snape’s instructions copied.

“Well, don’t you think the Book of Potions by famous author Zygmunt Budge is smarter than Snape?”

“No.” 

Andy scoffed. “I’m not risking my grade in Potions for some long shot recipe!”

“But-”

“Is there a problem here?” Snape asked, as he stood hovering above the two students, making his usual rounds around the room. 

“No, sir,” said Andy earnestly. 

“I actually have a question, P..Professor,” Jamie said, nervously grabbing his textbook along with his parchment. 

“Which recipe here is more reliable for b..b-brewing the potion correctly?” Jamie asked. 

Snape glanced at both the textbook and his parchment, eyeing Jamie and Andy. 

“This one.” Snape said, pointing to the parchment.

Andy looked away, rolling his eyes. 

The two worked on the Potion, and at the end of class theirs turned a bright acid green color, just the way it was supposed to. Jamie and Andy smiled at each other before calling over Professor Snape, who graded theirs an outstanding.

“Are you going to say it or not?” Andy asked. 

“Say what?” 

“I told you so.”

Jamie shook his head as he began cleaning. “No.” 

Andy raised his eyebrow. “Why not?” 

Jamie shrugged. “What good would that do?” he asked.

“Dunno. Might make you feel better.” Andy suggested.

“By making you feel worse?” Jamie half grinned. “No thanks. Plus I’d probably react the same way if you gave me your own recipe for a potion. You d..d-did good today. We both did. I’m not going to take that away from you.” 

“Thanks.” Andy said.

“For what?” Jamie asked.

“Not being a tosser.”

Jamie laughed. Andy laughed too. 

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, the class was assigned to write an essay on what their boggarts were, why the students fear that particular thing most, what they turned their boggart into, and why. Jamie sat at his desk, his leg bouncing nervously up and down with Padfoot laying idly by his side as he grabbed his quill and began writing in his notebook. 

Jamie M. Bugsford 

My boggart turned into my best friend Martin. He’s dead. 

_ ‘That’s a bit straightforward,’ _ Jamie thought, crossing it out. 

~~ My boggart turned into my best friend Martin. He’s dead.  ~~

My boggart appeared to me as my best friend Martin, who sadly passed away last year. 

_ ‘  _ _ He didn’t just pass away, you idiot, he was killed _ .’

~~ My boggart turned into my best friend Martin. He’s dead. ~~

~~ My boggart appeared to me as my best friend Martin, who sadly passed away last year.  ~~

Jamie softly hit his head against his desk in a soft rhythm. He tore the parchment from the notebook and angerly crumbled it up, tossing it to the side.

“Are you having some trouble, Mr. Bugsford?” Professor Lupin asked, looking up from his papers. 

Jamie heard soft laughter coming from the rest of the class, and he clenched his jaw and looked away, shaking his head slightly.

“No, sir. Sorry to disturb you,” Jamie said softly. He turned the page to start new. 

  
  


Jamie M. Bugsford

My boggart appeared to me as my best friend Martin . Last year, Martin 

was killed, and it was my fault. What I have accepted as the truth also

just so happens to be my worst fear. Yes, I have accepted that I am to

blame for Martin’s death, but my worst fear is that Martin can never

forgive me, nor should he, along with the fear of never being able to forgive

myself. I think part of me knows that if I can be able to forgive myself,

It will help me move forward. But the other part of me knows that I 

Don’t deserve forgiveness, and it’s selfish for me to want it. I couldn’t turn

My boggart into anything because I blacked out. 

Jamie sighed and closed his notebook. Students began shuffling forwards and handing their papers to Professor Lupin. Jamie handed his book in with a slight frown, and sat back down, disappointed with his work. 


End file.
